looking at old pictures all evening with my girl, crazy ones, uploaded by my boy, and bff: scotty. its wildy entertaining, these images and memories. i feel so positively nostalgic, with a dark undertone of guilt and shame. i was a wild dude, violent, funny, expressive, cavalier. i didnt think id have the life i do now, or i wouldnt have done alot of that shit. my girl laughs and calls me handsome in these pictures, and i remember feeling so full of confidence, vigor, carelessness when they were taken. and so happy to be photographed by my friend, which was often. i love love love my old friends so hard, and miss them. but the pictures dont show my downward spiral, or my inability to make healthy choices, but they do just kinda stop. in a grey area. when even i think my closest friends had a hard time being near me. volatile and unpredictable. when i went to jail the first real time i just wanted to be free, drinking, fighting and being the guy i thought i was born to be. more things happened, i hurt more people, jail again. then more things etc etc. this goes on until i disappear for a time. then, these last few years somewhat reinventing myself and giving all of my energy into doing shit that wasnt retarded, i have successfully built a foundation upon which to assemble a real ass, healthy living ass life. some of my closest friends have chosen different paths. many of them have gone on to become talented and awesome artists, hard workers, mothers and fathers, and im so proud to know them and to see them succeed. others though, my heart fucking breaks when i see them, not of judgment but real sorrow when i know and can relate too honestly to their struggle and their inability to escape from it. i cant dwell on that bleeding heart shit for long, its not right. my girl now, my life. im so lucky, i survived karma. im so in love it aint even fair, im sorry. i love her so much i could never explain it. shes so smart, strong, mysterious, healthy! and shoot,i couldnt ever manipulate her, shes smarter than me and i adore it. and the funniest shit, the best shit is that, she doesnt know the old me! hahahahaha i mean i wasnt a different person or anything, and i love telling her stories, but that is what make life so funny. you can actually do whatever you want and be whoever you want, you just got to invent it and fucking do it. i often these days reminisce on that old shit and lament, thinking ive gone soft, i dont fight anymore, all this shit like that. but no no no its horseshit. im harder than i ever have been mentally, i still have my edge, and i always will. thats just me misunderstanding my memories. AND the best part of my life, the MOST potent, is all ahead of me. if i hadnt sharpened my teeth on that i would have the tools i need to kill it.
i forgot my cam atr work! ive been working on a real neat treat, stay tuned
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bn5tiuZU4JI
2 comments:
This is good Cody. Good to read, good to hear. You are a solid dude, and become more solid as the years go. Karma is a load of crap, it can't stand a chance against undeserved grace and out-of-nowhere good things that happen. You are not going soft at all; it takes so much more to be a real man and do the right thing. Keep riding bikes, drawing on people (you've got a real talent there), and loving life and your girl.
Keep 'er tough man.
daps, props, hugs n shit. there's something to be said about the clarity of hindsight. it shows growth as a human being. I'm proud to know you, little as I do. you touch people's hearts, not just their dermis. can't wait till you're down here in the garden city koad! keep your head up
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